I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
