I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
