I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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