She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
