so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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