dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
