I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
