I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
