Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
