Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
