stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
