My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
God, I missed his penis.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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