you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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