You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
