would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
