my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
