It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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