Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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