when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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