mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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