i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
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I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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