Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
