I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
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Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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