I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
