I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
