Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
