I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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