one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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