hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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