life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
