I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
