Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
