i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
