now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
