The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
