I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
These tits shall not be calmed
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
