dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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