He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
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The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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