We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
