how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
