I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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