did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
