Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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