She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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