One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
