false alarm. still invincible.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
