Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
