I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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