My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
