No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
