You can't special order awesome
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
