So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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