Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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