My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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