I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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