we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
