toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
