so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
