Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
