Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
