Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
