There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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