I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
