The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
