i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
